Does My Butt Look Like a Cheetah in These Pants?

As another Labor Day weekend sweltered to a close in the LBC, I decided to escape the heat by retreating to the sweet sanctuary of TJ. The Maxx, I mean. Not the city in Mexico. I perused the purses, wandered among the ankle boots, and sniffed the shampoos. As I made my way over to the specialty household cleaners (don’t ask, and I won’t tell), I caught a pair of gray and white cheetah print pants eyeing me from the clearance rack.

Hel-lo, Gorgeous. Paige Denim. White with gray and black spots. My size. And marked down to $25.00. I picked them up, feeling instantly cooler. But was I really a wearer of cheetah print pants? It seemed like something you either were or weren’t. Like engaged. Or pregnant. I immediately thought back to the time I convinced myself that I was the type of person who could wear a silver studded, black leather fanny pack. How I had pictured myself swaying to the strains of some indie rock band in a dark dive bar in Brooklyn. In my bikini top. Because I was just that cool. Then I remembered my last concert: Sheryl Crow at the Orange County Fair. With my dad. Grumbling about having to get up for work the next morning. Wearing a fleece blanket from the trunk of the car. I was definitely not a studded leather fanny pack person.

But was I a printed denim wearer? Like everyone else who was in fifth grade in 1991, I too had floral printed denim that had had its day in the sun. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the 1991 version of printed denim came in the form of Bermuda shorts. That you wore cuffed at the knee with your oversized Hypercolor t-shirt that so cleverly displayed your classmates'  hand prints. Until your mom washed it, that is. Then it was no longer hypercolor. Then it was just a neon orange t-shirt that said “Hypercolor” on it. My Hypercolor t-shirt came courtesy of the Goodwill; all of its clever hand prints had been long ago washed away. But I digress.  Holding those cheetah (or was it snow leopard?) printed jeans in my hands, I pictured myself walking into my office in Newport Beach on a casual Friday. My skinny snow leopard pants paired with a black v-neck sweater. Sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Oversized Timex watch. Tory Burch Reva Ballet Flats. Authentic Bonnie Cashin vintage Coach bag. Because I was just that cool. How chic, people would coo. How gamine! How Audrey!  

I walked my beautiful snow leopard jeans up to the register, excited to become who I was. I bypassed the fitting rooms entirely. There was no way I was going to let an unfortunately placed mirror and cruel lighting ruin my good buy buzz!

Back at home, I tried on my precious snow leopard jeans as my roots processed. It’s hard to really feel secure in cheetah print anything when you are sporting a hairline of gray roots. Not impossible, but extremely difficult. One leg, two legs, zip, button . . . success! I stepped in front of the mirror. Hel-lo, Disappointment! I turned, examining the pants from every angle. Something wasn’t right. Does my butt look like a cheetah in these pants? Is my butt supposed to look like a cheetah in these pants? 

 

Where had I gone wrong? Was I actually too . . . old for cheetah print pants? Sure I had a few gray hairs, but that wasn’t my fault! I had definitely received some faulty pigment genes, but I wasn’t old, right? Right?

Quick, WWTTD? What Would Tina Turner Do? When questioning whether or not something is age appropriate, one should always seek guidance from everyone’s favorite miniskirt wearing, love questioning diva. Even Oprah has sought wisdom from the great wigged one, for crying out loud! Tina Turner’s big wheels have kept on turning in her microminis and sky-high stilettos for decades. Consider this: Tina became eligible for an AARP membership back when Bush was the Commander-in-Chief. The first Bush. Not W. I looked in the mirror. The problem was not the gray hair that I was in the process of covering. It was certainly not my 31 revolutions around the sun. The problem was the way those stupid cheetah pants stretched across my thighs. My moneymaker may have looked like a jungle predator, but my thighs looked like they had been stricken with a yet-unnamed disease. And therein lied the lesson. Tina can shake her tail feather in her short skirts and high heels because she doesn't compromise on fit. My cheetah print pants required a concession from my thighs that I was just not prepared to make. 

I may very well be a snow leopard print pants wearer. But I am not meant to be a wearer of these particular snow leopard print pants. And that’s okay. Like Tina, I will live to dance in my stilettos another day. I’m glad I didn’t throw away the receipt.       

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What is Happiness?

It's the moment before you need more happiness. -Don Draper



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My Non-Hunger Games Book Club: Serena: A Novel by Ron Rash

I'll be the first to admit that I may have gone a little overboard with my Hunger Games obsession. But what can I say? Is that not the very nature of obsessions? So it should come as no surprise that I had a little bit of separation anxiety when it came to leaving my friends Katniss, Peeta, and Gale behind for books that were, you know, actually written for adults. But it appears that I have finally shaken Panem's titanium grip and read a verified piece of adult fiction. Behold my first non-Hunger Games book club selection: Serena: A Novel by Ron Rash.

Serena film still. Photo courtesy of IMDB

Now you're probably thinking, wait a minute, Girl, isn't that just Katniss with a fox around her neck? And what does Bradley Cooper have to do with anything? And to that, I say that everyone has to start somewhere. And I may have started my non-Hunger Games book club by deciding to read only novels that are going to be made into movies starring Jennifer Lawrence. It's my prerogative, okay? Serena is currently filming and slated for a 2013 release. And let me tell you, when it is released, I will be ready!

So what is Serena: A Novel about?

 A New York Times notable book of the year

Award-winning and New York Times bestselling novelist Ron Rash conjures a gothic tale of greed, corruption, and revenge with a ruthless, powerful, and unforgettable woman at its heart, set amid the wilds of 1930s North Carolina and against the backdrop of America's burgeoning environmental movement. 

I'm not going to lie, I have never been more interested in eminent domain as I was while reading this novel. I literally had a "huh, so that's what the first semester of property was about" moment. I kind of considered property to be that 90 minute stretch of time I had to sit through before we could talk about the good stuff. Like the model penal code. But anyway . . . yes, Serena has some eminent domaininess in there. And some early environmentalism. And some killing. Yep, I said some killing. 

The reader is first introduced to Serena as she steps off of the train from Boston with her new husband, lumber baron, George Pemberton. Waiting for them on the train platform is Rachel Harmon, the girl Pemberton impregnated before meeting Serena, and Rachel's father, an employee of the Boston Lumber Company. When Rachel's father attempts to "talk" to Pemberton about his daughter's condition (and by "talk," I mean "stab with a large knife"), rather than back away, Serena tells Pemberton to "reason" with Mr. Harmon (and by "reason," I mean "stab with a large knife"). Upon Mr. Harmon's death, Serena hands his knife to the heavily pregnant Rachel and instructs her to sell it to support her soon-to-be child as Rachel will receive no further "charity" from the Pembertons. And with that gesture, Serena begins her reign over the North Carolina wilderness. Serena proves to be as knowledgeable, strong, fearless, and cunning as any man in the Boston Lumber Company, and quickly disposes of anyone with adverse interests. Serena provides a glimpse into a world where power is absolute and everyone and everything can be bought and sold for the right price.  

While Jennifer Lawrence (The Hunger Games, Winter's Bone) seems to have some difficulty selecting roles that take her out of the wilderness, Serena will at least afford her a solid opportunity to play the bad girl. Or the crazy girl. Director Susanne Bier (Things We Lost in the Fire) will likely have to decide what she believes Serena's actual constitution is, as I'm not sure that the ambiguity between ruthlessness and insanity ever translates well on film (see Christoph Waltz's character in Water for Elephants). Bradley Cooper plays Boston Lumber Company owner, George Pemberton. Pemberton, while not as devious as Serena, is no less complex. Cooper, commonly known for his comedic chops, is an unlikely choice for the morally indeterminate Pemberton, but I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think that the real question will be if 21-year old Lawrence, who is known for playing teenage characters, can create some very adult on-screen chemistry with Cooper. That chemistry, described by Serena as "a kind of annihilation," is possibly the only the only thing about the Pembertons that I was certain of by the time I reached the novel's conclusion. 

If you are interested in getting your Serena fix, you can purchase the novel in paperback or on e-reader from Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Or you can do what I did, and download the free sample on your Kindle and then check out the book from your local library. Whatevs. 

p.s. if you are down here in the LBC, they have really high-teched the Long Beach Public Library system. You can search for and reserve books at any Long Beach library branch online, and set up an online account where you can renew your books from the comfort of your couch. And the best part is that it is all free! 

Have you read Serena? If so, what did you think? Sound off in the comments below!  Pin It

What I'm Running To: Happy Pills by Norah Jones

Now I'm not saying that I'm running to Norah Jones's new single, Happy Pills, just because I like her hair in the video . . . but the girl's got some great hair! See for yourself:

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It's Cool to Be Frugal

Meet Dom. He's a 20-year old college student. He's in a fraternity, and he loves to go out. He also sings for coupons. That's right. He sings. For coupons.

I'll admit that I get a vicarious thrill from watching Extreme Couponers create stockpiles of tomato paste and mouthwash. I imagine what it would be like to swim through their seas of surplus toothbrushes and candy bars. I try to picture just how crunchy my hair would be if I aimed all of those cans of drugstore hairspray at my head at once. And sprayed. And sprayed. And sprayed.

If you have ever watched an episode of Extreme Couponers, then you know the face of the extreme couponer is often a female one: she's the single mom, the military wife, the mother of five teenage boys. If you watch often, you may catch the occasional couponing house husband. However, it now appears that young men are entering the arena of competitive couponing as well. Dom is not the first boy to appear on the show. A 17-year old named Cole, nicknamed "The Couponing Kid," made his professional couponing debut in the show's second season. Which begs the question: where my girls at?

It's no secret that the grocery store is my least favorite place to spend money. I will spend 10 minutes silently debating the merits of purchasing the apple that is two cents less per pound than my favorite apple variety. What's that? You don't have a favorite apple variety? I thought everyone did. Weird. Yet, I do not clip coupons. My grandma clips coupons, and my mother clipped coupons, but I do not. It's not that I don't want to save money, it's just that clipping coupons has never saved me enough money to be worth the time it takes to clip them. And yet, boys like Dom are funding toga parties by singing for coupons and going recycle bin diving, so there is clearly something to the sport of competitive couponing. It concerns me that my ladies are not taking advantage of very real opportunities to line their vintage Coach purses with dollar bills while teenage boys are recognizing the benefits of competitive saving. In fact, the female extreme couponers are to a woman married, with children, or married with children (i.e. saving for a family), while their male counterparts are unabashedly saving for themselves. Or for, you know, a toga party.

Time recently ran a cover story titled "The Richer Sex" about how more women than ever before are overtaking men as family breadwinners. With women outnumbering men in undergraduate institutions and in most graduate and professional programs (including law school) across the country, we're likely to see this trend continue. But as most personal finance experts agree that the key to personal wealth is not just earning more money, but saving more money, it concerns me that younger women appear not to be as excited about competitive saving as young men are.

Right about now you are probably saying, but don't you write about shopping? Absolutely. But I have often wondered if there was not also a way to write about saving money in a way that is as fun (and snarky) as writing about shopping. If maybe, just maybe, instead of celebrating a sister's new shoes, we could instead congratulate her on pouring her tax refund into her Roth IRA or paying off a credit card? That would, of course, mean that women would have to start opening the dialogue about money. It's funny how in the age of Sex and the City (the series and the movies) and Girls that money talk truly is the last female taboo topic. But it doesn't have to be. If a 17-year old boy can realize the importance of saving money and can brag about it on national television, why can't we?

So what say you: do you think a competitive shopper can become a competitive saver? Do you clip coupons? Would you ever discuss (gasp!) money with your friends?

You can catch Dom and his frat brothers singing for coupons when Extreme Couponing premieres tonight at 10 p.m. on TLC. 

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Read Me, Love Me, Pin Me

Well Kittens, I'm back! I took a small job-hunting hiatus from First Appearances, but like a bad penny, I have returned! Thank you for all of your emails and inquiries; I really appreciate all of the First Appearances love! Especially since I was pretty sure that my grandma was my only regular reader (hi, Grandma!).

Anyway, after some cutting, pasting, previewing, and serious nail-biting, I am happy to say that you can now love me on Bloglovin' and pin me on Pinterest! You will find my Bloglovin' icon on the left side panel (hint: it's the flashing Eiffel Tower!), and the "Pin It" button at the end of every post (for the life of me I could not figure out how to line up my "Pin It" button with my other post sharing tools! If you've figured this one out, hit me up!). I've also updated my "What I'm Reading Now" blogroll on the right side panel with some of my favorite grrrrl-powered personal finance blogs like And Then She Saved, LearnVest, and DailyWorth. Thank you for reading First Appearances, it's good to be back! Pin It

Love is Blindness: First Trailer for The Great Gatsby

The Great Gatsby is getting the Baz Luhrmann treatment! Set for theatrical release on December 25th, here is your first look at Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby, Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan, and Tobey Maguire as Nick Carraway. Set to music by Kanye West and Jack White, if Luhrmann has established anything in this first glimpse of the film, it's that this is NOT your mother's Gatsby.


Your mother's Gatsby, by the way, was the 1974 Francis Ford Coppola version which starred Robert Redford as Jay Gatsby, Mia Farrow as Daisy Buchanan and Sam Waterston as Nick Carraway. I'm just going to say it: it should have been better than it was.

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